App downloaded, will f*ck

Rhonda Perky goes under the covers to locate an instant lover

Pine no longer for tawdry men’s room hookups! TheXChange is an application for your iPhone or iPod Touch that will allow you contact people in your area (and outside of it) to have sex
--John Brownlee on Geek.com

Can it be true? Can I really find myself an instant lover with something as simple as an iPhone App? For those of you who read my post about Red Hot Pie a few months back, you’ll recall my frustration trying to find a lover online. In the end I gave up wading through the onslaught of minimum-effort responses to my ad. It seems having standards is hard work!

So when a friend mentioned theXChange, an adults-only ‘social networking app' similar to GRINDR (the hook-up app for gay and bi-curious men) only for straight people, I decided to check it out.

Like GRINR, theXChange uses the GPS-like capability of your iPhone to share your location with prospective suitors. The official tagline is ‘an online nightclub on your iPhone or iPod Touch.’ No more sitting at home wading through messages – I can be putting out my cat-call to see which non-neutered Toms are in the area instantly.

As with RHP and other dating sites, users need to set up a profile. This gives you and your prospective suitor a chance to do some quality-checking before you agree to hook-up. But like all online matchmaking, user profiles are fraught. No one EVER looks like their pics in real life, and who’s going to declare up front that they’re ugly, have gonorrhea, suffer some kind of personality disorder, and are desperate for your babies? For this sort of encounter all you really want to know is how fat/ugly the potential suitor is on a scale of repulsive to brown-baggable (there’s a difference between a 'lights-off' and someone you wouldn't touch with anybody’s dick/pussy).

Once the basics are out of the way, you can agree to meet. If RHP is anything to go by, I’m expecting a lot more guys and couples registered than single girls, so I shouldn't have any trouble drumming up business.

But now that it's about to happen, I'm a tad apprehensive. Do I really want complete strangers knowing my location? What if they’re serial-killers or turn into stalkers?* It’s not like a date where you can have an emergency phone call lined up. Even on RHP you get a bit of online interaction space before agreeing to meet. On theXChange, if your suitor turns out to have a mouth full of metal, acne and a blistering case of herpes, you’re kind of stuck. It’s like a pre-contract that you’ll hook up, no matter what. I need some kind of assurance that other users have safely met someone (or someones) worth shagging, maybe even more than once.

I hit Google only to hit my first alarm bells: where are the user reviews? Either no one is using theXChange, or no-one is owning up to it. It seems this ‘virtual nightclub’ also has virtual reviews.

Finally I do find some feedback – from a non-user! Valkilmerisawful (Gizmodo) writes:

I wouldn’t even use this. I don’t see one single Asian. I just see a few busted chicks, a dude, and a dude dressed up as a busted chick.

And John Brownlee on Geek.com, concluded that:

Anyone you actually do hook up with for anonymous, indiscriminate sex, much like the women you see advertising on Craigslist, are likely to be perfect storms of venereal disease. But if you want to slurp down naked pictures of random, psychologically troubled young women (or the closeted middle aged men who play them on your iPhone), theXchange is available now.

Not quite the feedback I was hoping for.

I quickly check out Craigslist** to see what John Brownlee is talking about. In the personals section I find search categories for ‘strictly platonic’, women/men seeking, ‘misc romance’,*** ‘casual encounters’, ‘missed connections’, and ‘rants and raves’. I head to ‘casual encounters’. The ads are mostly one-liners that say nothing more than that the user is ‘looking for a blow-n-go’, ‘at yours or in public - sorry, can’t host’, i.e. married men looking for sideline encounters with other men, and occasionally women: a short-hand version of RHP. There are also many repeaters**** and a whole bunch of close-up photos of cocks (am I playing chatroulette here???)

This isn’t getting me any closer to finding a quality shag. The only hope I can cling to is that theXChange publishes some ‘house rules’:

• Do not post any nude or offensive photos.
• Harassing, threatening, or hateful language will absolutely not be tolerated.
• Club management reserves the right to permanently ban users who violate these rules or present a nuisance to others.
  

So do I risk it? If I want a shag – and now – and I’m not too fussy (after all, I’m not looking to start a relationship, or even see these people again), do I give it a go? All I’ve got to lose is $9.99… and possibly my dignity.

-RP

*There have been reports of GRINDR users being assaulted

**an un-moderated classifieds site. According to Wise Geek, ‘craigslist is perhaps the ultimate site for classified listings.’ Wise Geek also warns that those who use the list ‘have learned to be cautious about advertisements posted there.’ Craigslist is unmoderated, relying largely on user forums to alert other users to dodgy deals.

***checkout ‘misc romance’ for some miscellaneous ad categorisation. I found ads for a ‘massage - firm hands’, a ‘trainee sub female required’ and ‘ongoing spanking’.

****I’ve still never worked out if this is because the ad is working for them, or because it’s not.

‘No strings, yes please…’

Rhonda Perky goes under-the-covers to blow a load over Red Hot Pie.

So you’re keen to find Mr No-Strings-Attached for some regular fun, or maybe a Mr One-Night-Stand for an all night scratch? Forget the hit and miss of bars and clubs, friends of friends, or playing chief bridesmaid yet again. With dedicated online hook-up sites like 'Red Hot Pie' and 'Adult Matchmaker', you can be shagging yourself silly in no time.

To begin, set up a profile. Give yourself a username that expresses your personality, such as ‘hottitties’, ‘kokraver’ or ‘wetnwild’. Stuck for ideas? Try browsing existing members first. If your faves are already taken, don’t lose heart, get creative with your spelling, or use the tried and tested method of adding ‘69’ to an existing username.

To maximise your chances of meeting Mr Right-Away, give yourself a convincing persona as a walking, talking, f*ck machine, always wet and ready to go (think late-night TV commercials for the sad-and-lonely).

Next, provide your specifications including cup size, a description of your pubic hair, whether you practice safe sex ‘for all activities’, not at all, or only ‘if required’, your sexual interests (nipple play, anal play, dogging, etc), fetishes (role play, S&M), and what you’re looking for (men, women, couples, group sex, MMF, FFM, TV/TS), attached or otherwise. Go all out. No matter how depraved and unrealistic, users will be convinced.

Apparently ‘profiles with pictures get more hits’, so the next step is to give yourself a suitable body. Just a single body part, an arse, a boob, whatever, will do the trick. In fact, the less shown the better. A pair of perts, nothing more than a c-cup, will say enough about you as a person for over a hundred users to want to meet you within 24 hours.

If you’ve done your homework and put the effort into your profile – your ‘handle’ and profile pic are priceless here – chances are you’ll meet [crassusername1] who wants nothing more than to take you on an all-expenses paid weekend away. [Crassusername2] will likely suggest bending you over his office desk at lunchtime, while [crassusername3] may be tempted to offer you his whole 9 inches. Expect to be approached by couples, too – male involvement optional.

You may find the sheer volume of responses overwhelming at first, and of course you’ll need some way to separate the wheat from the chaff. How can you be sure Mr-One-Night-Stand isn’t telling any old girl he wants to ‘lick their lollipops’? In this case I recommend setting up a decoy profile, or getting your BFF to set up their own, tamer profile, and comparing responses. For this profile, post some glamour shots, just of your torso with underwear on and no rude bits. Still no face, of course – you don’t want your boss/brother-in-law/significant other to stumble across a picture of you with your hand over your crotch during their meanderings. That would just be embarrassing. Keep those pics for your by-invite-only 'Private Gallery'.

Then fill in the ‘about me’ and ‘looking for’ sections. Try something a bit more subtle, for example, describing yourself as recently single, looking for a bit of fun, but open to things developing into something more (yes – an allusion to the dreaded ‘relationship’).

I guarantee the response will be spectacular.

Next: how to filter. When the hundreds of messages and flirts fill your inbox, look for 'Replicators', users who cast the net as far and as wide as possible, sending the same message over and over to dozens of profiles without bothering to read them. Some clues are offers for ‘discreet encounters’, ‘in town for one-night’ and ‘strictly daytimes’, despite specifying that you are only looking for ‘unattached’ matches.

The next thing to watch for is ‘template’ responses. These may appear to have been written just for you, but when you compare profiles you will find your BFF has received an almost identical message, ever-so-slightly tailored, or one from an identical 'set'. 'Sets' are multiple templates sent by the same user to different 'types' of profiles. At core, these are all minimal-effort responses. The best you can hope for here is some clue your suitor has at least glanced beyond your pic.*

Despite their promos, don’t expect to find the love of your life on a hook-up site, unless you’re also listing ‘constant disappointment’ among your fetishes. If nothing more it is an experience to see just how many men and women out there spend days on end online trawling.** And who knows, once you join them you may find yourself a f*ck-buddy or three to share.

Oh, and let me know if you get a worthy bite ;)

-RP

*Hot tip: keep an eye out for [crassusername4]. This user poses as a couple, but makes his move solo, and apparently desires nothing more than to put his head up your skirt – no need for you to do anything ‘unless you require it’. He sends this message in various guises to EVERYONE.)

**Watch for people you know - you may see more of them than you ever cared to.