‘No strings, yes please…’

Rhonda Perky goes under-the-covers to blow a load over Red Hot Pie.

So you’re keen to find Mr No-Strings-Attached for some regular fun, or maybe a Mr One-Night-Stand for an all night scratch? Forget the hit and miss of bars and clubs, friends of friends, or playing chief bridesmaid yet again. With dedicated online hook-up sites like 'Red Hot Pie' and 'Adult Matchmaker', you can be shagging yourself silly in no time.

To begin, set up a profile. Give yourself a username that expresses your personality, such as ‘hottitties’, ‘kokraver’ or ‘wetnwild’. Stuck for ideas? Try browsing existing members first. If your faves are already taken, don’t lose heart, get creative with your spelling, or use the tried and tested method of adding ‘69’ to an existing username.

To maximise your chances of meeting Mr Right-Away, give yourself a convincing persona as a walking, talking, f*ck machine, always wet and ready to go (think late-night TV commercials for the sad-and-lonely).

Next, provide your specifications including cup size, a description of your pubic hair, whether you practice safe sex ‘for all activities’, not at all, or only ‘if required’, your sexual interests (nipple play, anal play, dogging, etc), fetishes (role play, S&M), and what you’re looking for (men, women, couples, group sex, MMF, FFM, TV/TS), attached or otherwise. Go all out. No matter how depraved and unrealistic, users will be convinced.

Apparently ‘profiles with pictures get more hits’, so the next step is to give yourself a suitable body. Just a single body part, an arse, a boob, whatever, will do the trick. In fact, the less shown the better. A pair of perts, nothing more than a c-cup, will say enough about you as a person for over a hundred users to want to meet you within 24 hours.

If you’ve done your homework and put the effort into your profile – your ‘handle’ and profile pic are priceless here – chances are you’ll meet [crassusername1] who wants nothing more than to take you on an all-expenses paid weekend away. [Crassusername2] will likely suggest bending you over his office desk at lunchtime, while [crassusername3] may be tempted to offer you his whole 9 inches. Expect to be approached by couples, too – male involvement optional.

You may find the sheer volume of responses overwhelming at first, and of course you’ll need some way to separate the wheat from the chaff. How can you be sure Mr-One-Night-Stand isn’t telling any old girl he wants to ‘lick their lollipops’? In this case I recommend setting up a decoy profile, or getting your BFF to set up their own, tamer profile, and comparing responses. For this profile, post some glamour shots, just of your torso with underwear on and no rude bits. Still no face, of course – you don’t want your boss/brother-in-law/significant other to stumble across a picture of you with your hand over your crotch during their meanderings. That would just be embarrassing. Keep those pics for your by-invite-only 'Private Gallery'.

Then fill in the ‘about me’ and ‘looking for’ sections. Try something a bit more subtle, for example, describing yourself as recently single, looking for a bit of fun, but open to things developing into something more (yes – an allusion to the dreaded ‘relationship’).

I guarantee the response will be spectacular.

Next: how to filter. When the hundreds of messages and flirts fill your inbox, look for 'Replicators', users who cast the net as far and as wide as possible, sending the same message over and over to dozens of profiles without bothering to read them. Some clues are offers for ‘discreet encounters’, ‘in town for one-night’ and ‘strictly daytimes’, despite specifying that you are only looking for ‘unattached’ matches.

The next thing to watch for is ‘template’ responses. These may appear to have been written just for you, but when you compare profiles you will find your BFF has received an almost identical message, ever-so-slightly tailored, or one from an identical 'set'. 'Sets' are multiple templates sent by the same user to different 'types' of profiles. At core, these are all minimal-effort responses. The best you can hope for here is some clue your suitor has at least glanced beyond your pic.*

Despite their promos, don’t expect to find the love of your life on a hook-up site, unless you’re also listing ‘constant disappointment’ among your fetishes. If nothing more it is an experience to see just how many men and women out there spend days on end online trawling.** And who knows, once you join them you may find yourself a f*ck-buddy or three to share.

Oh, and let me know if you get a worthy bite ;)

-RP

*Hot tip: keep an eye out for [crassusername4]. This user poses as a couple, but makes his move solo, and apparently desires nothing more than to put his head up your skirt – no need for you to do anything ‘unless you require it’. He sends this message in various guises to EVERYONE.)

**Watch for people you know - you may see more of them than you ever cared to.