Recipe for disaster... Part 1 – My Best Friend’s wedding

So your eternally single Cold Date* has finally got himself hitched. You’re over-the-moon happy for him (and her), even if it means you rarely get to see him because he still hasn’t crawled out from under the new-love covers for air.

The problem is you met him through your ex.

It was all a long time ago and so far you’ve managed to skirt around all those awkward ex-encounters such as birthdays and bar mitzvahs, but then comes The Wedding.

Obviously, this is a biggy. The groom was in your bridal party as a mutual friend, but in the post-break-up friendship war, you won. This makes you the equivalent of his Best Man.**

This could be a recipe for disaster… or a whole lotta fun. I’m going to try for the latter. Here goes.

Ingredients

You (alone)

Your ex (also alone)

A room full of people you barely know

A room full of people your ex barely knows (most likely the same few people)

Free alcohol (essential)

A dance floor (people willing to dance are preferred, but not essential – see Method)

Method 

1. Drink
2. Find people to socialise with. Typical openers include, ‘How do you know the bride / groom’, but you can also ask what people do, for pleasure, for pain, or for best effect, both***
3. Drink some more (very important)
4. Find some dance buddies
5. If there are no dance buddies to be found, apply steps 1 and 3 to your potential partner(s) until they agree to dance (this has the added advantage of making you look like a really good dancer compared with them)
6. When all else fails, play the Adventure Challenge Game (see below)

How to Play

Set challenges to earn points. Points can be lost as well as won. The object is to make it home with a positive score.

• (+ 5 points) If you look waaaaaay hotter than your ex
• (– 10 points) If he looks waaaaaay hotter than you
• (+ 2 points) For every compliment received from people who knew you ‘before’ on how great / young / slim you look
• (+ 10 points) If the same people complimenting you say to your ex, 'Oh, yes, you look um, good too....’
• (– 20 points) If this scenario happens in reverse
• (+ 5 points) If you speak to your ex before he speaks to you
• (+ 2 points) For every member of the groom’s family who offers to help you overcome this hurdle
• (– 5 points) If you let them
• (+ 3 points) If you discover your life is waaaaaay better than his
• (– 10 points) If you discover his life is waaaaaay better than yours
• (+ 5 points) If you realise your ex is ridiculously boring and wonder why you ever dated him, let alone married him
• (– 8 points) If he thinks the same about you
• (+ 25 points) For every person who confesses to you that they got ‘stuck’ talking to your ex until you came along
• (– 25 points) If they say the same to him about you
• (+ 2 points) If you can get the Mother of the Bride to dance
• (+ 8 points) If you can get the Father of the Groom to dance
• (+10 bonus points) If they are the kind of dad who wears his serious face for all occasions
• (– 2 points) If he is secretly a giant teddy bear
• (+ 2 points) If you manage to drop into conversation how young / hot / talented your current lover is
• (– 10 points) If you do it badly (e.g. Him: ‘So how have you been?’ You: ‘OMG you should SEE my new lover, he/she is AMAZING… SOOOO much better than YOU…’)
• (– 2 points) If his current lover is also young / hot / talented
• (+ 10 points) If he mentions this repeatedly in a way that lets you know he/she is really old / overweight / ugly / stupid
• (+ 10 points) If she IS old / overweight / ugly / stupid
• (+10 points) If she is pregnant
• (– 10 points) If she is pregnant and you want to be
• (+ 25 points) For every family member of hers currently living with them
• (+ 5 bonus points) If it is her mother
• (+ 12 points) For each boundary set when your ex gets protective / judgemental / annoying / flirtatious (e.g. Him: 'Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a water?' You: 'I'll have another vodka, thanks. Make it a double', or Him: ‘So… are you staying nearby?’ You: ‘Yes, with my new lover, Cassandra’)
• (– 20 points) Regretting the consequences of the boundaries you chose to set (e.g. when you have to be escorted to your hotel room by the groom’s family, or when you wake up beside some stranger named Cassandra who you think may have been at the local, but you’re not really sure)
• (+ 50 points) If Cassandra is hot
• (– 100 points) If Cassandra has no teeth
• (– 25 points) If you wake up naked in  your bed (alone) with your $400 Ted Baker dress crumpled on the floor, your make-up halfway down your face, and all of your jewellery still on, including your glasses
• (– 150 points) If you wake up naked in your bed (with toothless Cassandra) in the same scenario.

Result

If nothing else, by playing the game you get a night of free booze, a chance to catch up with some old friends, to perve on a Ghost of Boyfriends Past, and more importantly, see one of your oldest and bestest friends get happily hitched in a way you never could.

Happy gaming :)

-AG

*Similar to ‘Bromance’ but for a guy and a girl
**She-Broman (?)
***Tip: if you get stuck with people who are particularly boring, you can always try the ‘Dom/Sub’ guessing game, or make up lives for them. That way, when you smile and nod you don’t have to feign amusement / interest.

why Wing Men are more fun

Adventure Girl learns a lesson on dating in-the-flesh

Have you ever been out on the town, keeping an eye out for possibles, as they hunt you, but when you finally get your chance to meet, talk, drink (and hopefully a bit more), with your Target, you end up spending the night talking to his best mate?

The best mate is most likely his 'Wing Man', on a mission to talk your Target up, break the ice, and keep you interested, all without making a move himself.

Now there's nothing inherently wrong with this. In fact, it helps you as much as your Target, particularly if you're as shy and hopeless at talking to strangers without a bottle and a half of Sauv Blanc in you as me. The Wing Man is easy to talk to. He tells you the pertinent details, like where your Target is spending the night, what he pretends to do for a living, and what he is posing as for the evening.

You play along, make up something equally as banal that you do for a living. I usually go for the zookeeper or fluffer, or a fluffer at the zoo. This interaction gives you the advantage of appearing fun and flirtatious without putting your skills directly to the test. The Wing Man has no vested interest in you, and so can be as absurd as you are prepared to go along with.

But there's the crux. You realise several drinks into the night that you might actually prefer the Wing Man. Hell, your target has barely said two words to you. They're just standing there like the undertaker their best mate has proclaimed them to be. And you're left chatting, laughing and flirting with someone who is not only off-limits under the Wing Man rules, but is more than likely already taken (hence their willingness to play WM)!

And so you leave without your man-fluff on your arm, and possibly even without having given over your phone number (false or otherwise) with some fond memories but an empty bed, ready to meet your next potential Target the following week... as long as their WM doesn't prove more fun.

-AG