Recipe for disaster... Part 1 – My Best Friend’s wedding

So your eternally single Cold Date* has finally got himself hitched. You’re over-the-moon happy for him (and her), even if it means you rarely get to see him because he still hasn’t crawled out from under the new-love covers for air.

The problem is you met him through your ex.

It was all a long time ago and so far you’ve managed to skirt around all those awkward ex-encounters such as birthdays and bar mitzvahs, but then comes The Wedding.

Obviously, this is a biggy. The groom was in your bridal party as a mutual friend, but in the post-break-up friendship war, you won. This makes you the equivalent of his Best Man.**

This could be a recipe for disaster… or a whole lotta fun. I’m going to try for the latter. Here goes.

Ingredients

You (alone)

Your ex (also alone)

A room full of people you barely know

A room full of people your ex barely knows (most likely the same few people)

Free alcohol (essential)

A dance floor (people willing to dance are preferred, but not essential – see Method)

Method 

1. Drink
2. Find people to socialise with. Typical openers include, ‘How do you know the bride / groom’, but you can also ask what people do, for pleasure, for pain, or for best effect, both***
3. Drink some more (very important)
4. Find some dance buddies
5. If there are no dance buddies to be found, apply steps 1 and 3 to your potential partner(s) until they agree to dance (this has the added advantage of making you look like a really good dancer compared with them)
6. When all else fails, play the Adventure Challenge Game (see below)

How to Play

Set challenges to earn points. Points can be lost as well as won. The object is to make it home with a positive score.

• (+ 5 points) If you look waaaaaay hotter than your ex
• (– 10 points) If he looks waaaaaay hotter than you
• (+ 2 points) For every compliment received from people who knew you ‘before’ on how great / young / slim you look
• (+ 10 points) If the same people complimenting you say to your ex, 'Oh, yes, you look um, good too....’
• (– 20 points) If this scenario happens in reverse
• (+ 5 points) If you speak to your ex before he speaks to you
• (+ 2 points) For every member of the groom’s family who offers to help you overcome this hurdle
• (– 5 points) If you let them
• (+ 3 points) If you discover your life is waaaaaay better than his
• (– 10 points) If you discover his life is waaaaaay better than yours
• (+ 5 points) If you realise your ex is ridiculously boring and wonder why you ever dated him, let alone married him
• (– 8 points) If he thinks the same about you
• (+ 25 points) For every person who confesses to you that they got ‘stuck’ talking to your ex until you came along
• (– 25 points) If they say the same to him about you
• (+ 2 points) If you can get the Mother of the Bride to dance
• (+ 8 points) If you can get the Father of the Groom to dance
• (+10 bonus points) If they are the kind of dad who wears his serious face for all occasions
• (– 2 points) If he is secretly a giant teddy bear
• (+ 2 points) If you manage to drop into conversation how young / hot / talented your current lover is
• (– 10 points) If you do it badly (e.g. Him: ‘So how have you been?’ You: ‘OMG you should SEE my new lover, he/she is AMAZING… SOOOO much better than YOU…’)
• (– 2 points) If his current lover is also young / hot / talented
• (+ 10 points) If he mentions this repeatedly in a way that lets you know he/she is really old / overweight / ugly / stupid
• (+ 10 points) If she IS old / overweight / ugly / stupid
• (+10 points) If she is pregnant
• (– 10 points) If she is pregnant and you want to be
• (+ 25 points) For every family member of hers currently living with them
• (+ 5 bonus points) If it is her mother
• (+ 12 points) For each boundary set when your ex gets protective / judgemental / annoying / flirtatious (e.g. Him: 'Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a water?' You: 'I'll have another vodka, thanks. Make it a double', or Him: ‘So… are you staying nearby?’ You: ‘Yes, with my new lover, Cassandra’)
• (– 20 points) Regretting the consequences of the boundaries you chose to set (e.g. when you have to be escorted to your hotel room by the groom’s family, or when you wake up beside some stranger named Cassandra who you think may have been at the local, but you’re not really sure)
• (+ 50 points) If Cassandra is hot
• (– 100 points) If Cassandra has no teeth
• (– 25 points) If you wake up naked in  your bed (alone) with your $400 Ted Baker dress crumpled on the floor, your make-up halfway down your face, and all of your jewellery still on, including your glasses
• (– 150 points) If you wake up naked in your bed (with toothless Cassandra) in the same scenario.

Result

If nothing else, by playing the game you get a night of free booze, a chance to catch up with some old friends, to perve on a Ghost of Boyfriends Past, and more importantly, see one of your oldest and bestest friends get happily hitched in a way you never could.

Happy gaming :)

-AG

*Similar to ‘Bromance’ but for a guy and a girl
**She-Broman (?)
***Tip: if you get stuck with people who are particularly boring, you can always try the ‘Dom/Sub’ guessing game, or make up lives for them. That way, when you smile and nod you don’t have to feign amusement / interest.

After the crab crawled, or 'doormat-no-more'

‘She needs to grow up. She’s a dissatisfied middle-aged woman who sees herself growing old in an unhappy relationship, with kids taking away her life and she’s jealous of your freedom, although she wouldn’t have had the balls to make the choices you made, but wished she had. Hence the sourness… Rhonda can feel free to pinch my argument if she agrees with it.’ -- a friend about a typical 'crab'.

It seems I have inadvertently managed to put my crab-crawling theory into practice... with spectacular effect.

Having spent the first 30+ years of my life filling a particular niche in the lives of my friends and family, I have reached the point where I not only realise it’s a place I don’t want to be, but I have actively tried to re-define my position, or rather, affirm my identity and establish boundaries around it -- something I failed to do before.

Part of this process has involved looking at the way I have chosen to live my life, and asking if this is what I want for my present and future.

For example, I established my current career not so much by choice as by accident. I grasped at the first grown-up job that came along, and then worked my way up to something I actually liked. But I haven’t explored beyond that, so I’m taking some time to look at where to head next. So far on this front I’ve flown under the radar, but I’m bracing myself for some kick-back when I finally do make the move.

I’ve also decided to relocate. Leave Boganburbia to the nuclear-family-oriented and position myself nearer to the things I value and with more like-minded people. When I first raised this in front of my family, the response was, ‘What would you want to live in that area for? It’s full of hippies and weirdoes.’

Over the years I have thought about having children but have come to the conclusion it’s not for me. This decision has been attacked from more directions than I care to count. The response has ranged from the use of assumptive language, ‘When you have children’ rather than ‘If you have children’, to ‘What if you regret it one day?’ (to which my standard reply became, ‘What if I regret having children? You can’t take them back.’

More recently the approach was to tell me if I didn’t have children I would lose my then partner. ‘You’ll need to have children if you want to keep him,’ they said. I remember thinking, Wow. That’s a healthy basis for a relationship, and an even healthier basis for raising a child. And they didn’t stop there. ‘You only have to have one. You can manage that. It won’t interfere with your life too much.’ Imagine the therapy that kid would eventually need. In the end I was tempted to pretend to be barren, just to get them off my back.

Another choice that has come under fire is my decision to not remarry or even have a quasi-married relationship. I’ve tried the whole miserable-marrieds-with-weekends-at-Bunnings thing, and failed. It just isn’t for me. This decision was affirmed during a subsequent relationship where every time things veered towards domestic-bliss-101 I found my insides screaming. I was miserable. I was lonely. I was trapped. And eventually I left. Crawled out of the basket amid screams of protest. How could I be choosing not to stay with someone who was kind, considerate, loving? My response: ‘If you want all those things, why don’t you marry him?’

I have since moved into a new relationship and ‘failed’ to integrate that relationship into the mould. No going-through-the-motions ‘family’ dinners, no weekends at Bunnings. And an endless barrage of criticism.

All this is before looking at the hostile response I’ve encountered to reforming my slobbing-on-the-couch-eating-takeaway lifestyle. Apparently prioritising diet and exercise and maintaining a healthier weight is cause for all kinds of snide remarks. I finally got one sister to stop by pointing out that I'm not so rude as to tell her she is overweight and should really do something about it, so I don't see why she feels it is okay to discuss my weight.

I can only imagine their hositility is because as crabs who share my mould they are more comfortable with dumpy, tubby me. I have redefined the mould's shape, both physically and metaphorically.

The remoulding process has been slow, and is still underway, but as I make progress the attacks become more intense. Criticism, lectures, guilt trips, the works.

Because I don’t hang out with my sister’s kids at the weekend, my other sister tells my nieces and nephew that she loves them more than me, that she is the better aunty, and they openly discuss my being outside the fold in front of the kids.

Because I’ve changed the way that I use social networking, and part of this involved removing my family, I’ve received hostile messages, vicious phone calls, text messages and emails. ‘Total cow! what the hell???? You just don't do that!’ and, ‘What the hell is wrong with you. Why are you trying so hard to not be part of our family?’

I even received a similarly parroted message from my twelve-year-old niece, who has been dragged into the whole saga by her mother.

I want to stress that I’m not writing this to vilify my family, but to illustrate the consequences of leaving the crawl too long. If I had been comfortable enough in myself to assert my boundaries as a teenager, or even when I first left home, I wouldn’t now be suffering because those who shared my mould are feeling the shift so acutely. Previously my position in the mould was beneath theirs and effectively propped theirs up, which means my shifting makes them feel less secure, less in control.

And in this case it is about control.

Ideally I’d like to have a loving, respectful relationship with my family, where I accept them for who they are and they respect me for who I am, but right now that choice isn’t open to me: ‘When you feel like joining us again as [the person we expect you to be] then I am here with open arms’, was my sister's last text.

Now that I’ve peered over the edge of the basket and seen the possibilities waiting for me on the other side, I have a chance at freedom, but unless me and my fellow crabs can establish a new, flexible mould, it looks like it will mean cutting ties with the crabs trying to claw me back, and leaving the basket for good.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

A lesson in reconciliation with Adventure Girl


‘You look so old.’

I’d just stepped into the restaurant. It took me a moment to recognise him. I was expecting someone tall, bearded and grey: the father I had last seen almost a decade ago.

Instead I saw someone large, someone pink and someone pale. His grey hair had faded to white. It was most noticeable around the eyes. Once blue and slightly beady, they disappeared into his face.

He stood to greet me. He wore a supercilious grin. Some things never change.

I hovered beside the table for a moment. Should we hug, kiss, shake hands? I dived for my seat.

‘There’s quite a bit less of you,’ he said, just as tactfully. ‘A lot less, in fact. Maybe too much less.’

I opened the menu. ‘What do you feel like eating?’

‘I have to be careful, you know, with my diabetes…’ And so began the theatrics. Dinner became a role play. Not of the prodigal daughter and absent father, but a game of show-and-tell where I played reticence and he played look-at-me-now.

I heard all about his new wife, his new daughter, his new life.

Yes, I noticed your ring, I answered. Yes, I know you have a new family. Yes, I know what songs you’d like played at your funeral.

I waited for him to ask me a question. A question about me.

Virtual silence.

I glanced at my phone. Pretended I wasn’t checking the time.

The game went on.

I grew stubborn. If he wouldn’t ask then I would tell. So I described how I’ve gone back to school, how I’ve been writing, and told him about my new job.

‘My wife writes,’ he responded. ‘And studies. And works.’

Good for her.

I told him I was sorry if I seemed distracted. I’d had a difficult day. I was almost in tears. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world in that moment was to hear him say something nice, or to be caught up in a big bear hug.

Instead he said, ‘The problem with you is…’

Some things never change. I asked for the bill.

-AG

the world according to Mad Julie

Mad Julie on...

working in an open plan office

...put up mirrors around your desk to see who is coming around the corner... then strategically jump under your desk and pull your chair in!

...get a bean bag... don’t fill it... place it under your desk or corner of your pod... and jump inside when pesky colleague/client/boss appears.

avoiding social occasions

...it’s totally the right day to pike :)

...do you need to physically be there or mentally? with or without attitude be there? or can you tell them that you will astrally project yourself there? then if it doesn’t work, it wasn’t your fault.

...pretend you have developed multiple personality disorder and today’s personality 'Margie' believes that she has baseball 2nite so can’t do dinner.

the midweek blues

...i'm struggling today and my head is woolly and overloaded.... maybe after my last meeting for the day i just skedaddle and crash on my couch.

...its sad but true - already over tuesday..... and in need of a glass of wine.... make that 2 gallons of booze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

negative horoscope readings

...ignore it and just follow your path.... blissfully....

family

...hide from them!

rhonda perky

...when rhonda perky's closet door opens up unparalleled levels of evil spill out!!! remember pandora - well guess who taught her???


-MJ