Whose threesome is it anyway?

Rhonda Perky goes under the covers to discover if three can ever be less than a crowd

Ever had one of those drunken hook-ups that somehow end up with three of you in a bed? Or maybe you've arranged to meet with two singles or a couple to have a bit of fun? Only when the heat dies down (and you begin to sober up) you’re left in a crowded bed feeling completely cold?

Take the following examples:

Scenario A: Susie and Lara have been dating for a while. While drinking a little too much at a party, they end up in bed with John. The three of them enjoy a very steamy night and then fall asleep in the same bed. When Susie wakes up she realises John has ended up between her and Lara. She’s not sure, but thinks the two of them might have been getting it on while she was asleep. In any case, they are now spooning. All she can see is this man, an intruder, being intimate with her lover. She starts to feel sick. What if Lara decides she prefers being with John?

Scenario B: Grace and Mick, a long-term couple seeking a new experience, decide to advertise online for a man to join them. They recruit Robert, a single guy keen to explore. During the encounter it becomes apparent that Mick is attracted to the new recruit. In the heat of the moment, the guys get it on, until Robert tells them both he’s fairly sure he’s straight. The problem is Mick thinks he might actually prefer men.

Scenario C: Jodie has been seeing Steve for a few months, but they aren’t exclusive. Jodie has expressed an interest in having someone join them. Steve finds Cindy, a girl who is similarly keen. Steve arranges the meet up. Part way through the encounter it becomes apparent that Steve and Cindy already know each other. In fact, Cindy knows Steve a lot better than Jodie does. Jodie feels a little jealous, and a lot insecure. After all, Cindy is, well, kind of smoking. Things could be about to get a whole heap of ugly.

The point is, fantasy and reality can be very different things. Does anyone really know what they are going to feel going into something like this? Each person comes to the party with certain expectations, some known and some not, until it’s happening there in front of them. Suddenly you find yourself watching and participating in something you don’t normally see: your lover making love to someone else. It is likely you will see them doing something new with someone else and will respond to that person in a way they don’t respond to you. What if he/she has something you don’t? What if he/she does something better than you, or differently? What if he/she does something to him/her that they’ve NEVER done to you? What if you can't cum and she can cum like crazy, and who gets his cum in the end?

Being prepared, being aware, and stepping into the realm of fantasy – accepting that it IS fantasy, becomes a necessity if you are going to come out the other end unscathed.

Some things worth considering before you get busy with getting busy:

• How much interplay should there be between each of you?
• Where the threesome involves people of the same gender, how much homo-erotic interplay should there be?
• What is it going to feel like if you’re left on the outer?
• What is it going to feel like if you’re not?
• Do the others involved know each other already, and if yes, how intimately? Are they dating, or a couple?
• If you are dating or in a couple and have invited someone to join you, how will you feel if they get more attention than you? 
• If two of you are involved with the same person, how are you going to feel if they are more intimate with each other than with you?
• How are you going to feel around each person afterwards?

Perhaps the catch-all question to ask is whose threesome is it? Where are the boundaries, and who sets them? In some ways having a Dom/Sub situation can help, because the Dom(s) will set the rules and boundaries for the Sub(s). A lot of the time this won’t be the case. So how can you make sure your encounter remains as hot in your memory as it was in the moment? You want to be sure you know what the deal is in advance and also feel secure in yourself and in your relationship(s) before setting foot anywhere near this type of activity.

As in all things the most important part is communication. No matter how drunk or stoned or lost in the moment you are, try to check in with all parties. Keep an eye out for changes in body language. Has someone gone quiet, or stopped participating? Be mindful and respectful of each other’s existing relationships. If a couple has been generous enough to invite you into their private domain, keep to their boundaries. Take your cues from them (and perhaps more importantly in a hetero/bi-situation, from the person of the same gender; you don’t want to be a perceived threat). In a sense, you are their guest. Similarly, if you are in an existing couple and have invited someone to join you, be a gracious host and make them feel welcome.

If the encounter involves a sleepover, for instance, ask where you should sleep. If the others are having a private moment, give them that and wait to be invited back in. If you’ve initiated the encounter, make sure the third party feels welcome, and keep your jealousies in check.

To my mind, if you can each walk away thinking, “We all owned that,” your threesome has been a spectacular success.

--RP

So you think you can cross-dress? A straight guy’s guide to getting into her panties

Will she love it, will she freak, or will she just hate that you have better legs?

As a straight guy, the idea of cross-dressing has always interested me. There’s something very tempting about the thought of sliding into some soft silky girly undies. In fact the thought of that flimsy material straining against my package and fishnets hugging my calves and thighs makes me positively shudder with delight and go weak at the knees…

(Ok, ok, putting my brain back online).

We now all know that I like it, maybe you like it too, but will she like it?

Perhaps if she’s a little dominant, the thought of you emasculated like that will be a turn on (maybe that’s why you like it). Maybe she’s vanilla and will freak out, running away, sobbing and screaming. Or maybe, just maybe, she’ll be jealous because you look much sexier in a garter belt than she does.

Putting all of those ifs aside, let’s assume you’re prepared to take the risk and give it a try, hoping against hope that she isn’t as vanilla as she seems (after all you can have vanilla all your life; why not sample some of the other flavours before you die?)

First you need to work out what to wear (decisions, decisions… I’m sure that cellulite wasn’t there this morning…) Do you secretly borrow some of her stuff and surprise her? (If so, avoid the expensive designer ones as you will most likely stretch them beyond repair.) Do you go to a lingerie shop in your local shopping centre and enjoy the speculative glances from the sales assistant when you ask for something for your girlfriend who’s about your size, and oh incidentally does this colour go with my eyes…? Or do you head to a sex shop, where (assuming you choose the right one) you will get lots of help, be able to try most things on, and find a range of absolutely delish corsets – uh, I mean, find some really great stuff.

Actually, let’s take a step back. Before you get to what to wear (the fun part) you might like to sound your partner out. The last thing you want is for the poor girl to walk in on you unexpectedly wearing her undies and makeup.* If it was me, I would talk to her on a quiet evening at home, perhaps after a glass or two of red to relax (her, not you – you need all your wits about you), share your fantasies, and find out what turns her on. I’d gently open with how hot you think her undies are and how you’ve always been curious about what they would look/feel like on. If she’s not vanilla she may suggest you try some on as a joke. This is the crucial point. If you agree and she doesn’t freak, you know it’s ok to start suggesting where to get stuff; if she does freak, you can always pass it off as a joke (preserving your poor bruised ego).

Say you do end up trying things on. Be honest and tell her how it makes you feel (sexy is a good adjective here). If she’s understanding, the fact that you so obviously enjoy it should make her much more open to the idea.

And it that goes well, you could even go shopping together.** And if it doesn’t… well, you live and you learn.

Above all, have fun exploring.

--Tiger

*Under no circumstances should you start giving her tips. Even the most reasonable and understanding girlfriend may lose her shit at that point.
**Make sure you both get something sexy; it’s no fun if she doesn’t get spoilt a little as well, and who knows, you might get matching colours.

Tiger Tale Regales... on being THAT guy

A short response to being THAT girl from Tiger Tale

Let me preface by saying I’m a geek and a nerd. I take pride in my geekiness and childlike delight in old cartoons and dressing up like a fool. Let’s be honest, I can and do work out. I can dance, I’m socially adept, but I still never quite feel like I have reached the pinnacle that others seem to effortlessly attain.

I like to call myself an extroverted introvert. For those that don’t know what I mean, it’s someone who will occasionally be the life of the party, regaling others with anecdotes and soaking up the adoration, but then you won’t see them for months, or if you do manage to drag them to some social engagement, they end up being the moody one in the corner because their social batteries haven’t yet recharged.

I understand the urge or the drive to be THAT person, the one who’s sought after, the one the girls want and the boys want to be, but I don’t want it all the time. I recently attended a very good friend’s engagement party. I was a member of the 'bridal party', so to speak, and was dressed as such. The theme was Burlesque Casinos and I was resplendent in my pin stripes and cufflinks with matching braces and Panama hat. It was a blast. I danced through the room lavishly spending thousands (we had lots of play money provided) on roulette and standing at the end of the table surrounded by stunningly dressed young women with a mountain of chips in front of me. It was like a scene from a movie.

It was fun. For that one night I was the guy in the spotlight. I had the nice suit, the pretty ladies on my arm, and the wad of cash to support it all. But the next morning I got up after a night spent alone and put on my 8 bit gamer T-shirt to become that nerdy guy again, so I guess yes, it was a nice break from reality, but eventually I had to come back to earth and just be me again.

Yours,
Tiger Tale

‘Even better than …?’

Rhonda Perky ponders the place of porn in the ‘real world’

‘Of course I don’t fantasise about my current partner when I masturbate – I get to have real sex with them.’ -- Mr ‘Long Rod’ McHugen Dong

Modern men have access to more hardcore porn than ever before, but according to Gail Dines in ‘Porn has hijacked sexuality and is destroying men’ (The Age, October 14, 2010), this isn’t necessarily what they want. Constant exposure is causing men to complain of being porn-reliant, or even forming an addiction to hardcore pornography, and that this is having a flow-on effect to the way they relate to women in the ‘real world’.

I'm not arguing a case for or against porn, hardcore or otherwise, but I do want to look at some of the issues Dines raises.

Dines makes the point that due to an increased exposure to hardcore porn, men report needing to fantasise in order to achieve orgasm during sex.

‘What troubles many of these men most is that they need to pull up the porn images in their head in order to have an orgasm with their partner. They replay porn scenes in their minds, or think about having sex with their favourite porn star when they are with their partners.’

I hate to disappoint all the men out there who believe their women are being taken over the edge by their awesomely sexy presence and superior technique, but chances are those moans are as much about what is going on inside the woman’s mind as what you are doing to their body. (Don’t get me wrong, what you do is important -- VERY important -- it’s just that a combination of mind and body is usually required to get us there).

Certainly there is a case for the argument that hardcore porn desensitises men. If they’re accustomed to watching extremely graphic images, a tame session of pink-lace lingerie, muffled moans and missionary probably isn’t going to compare. But to be fair, it’s also a stretch for women to imagine that beer belly and B.O. is really a tanned and deodorised six-pack.

Men are also complaining that real sex doesn’t live up to the fantasy of porn sex.  

‘These men have become so accustomed to porn sex that some are disappointed by their own sexual performance. When they compare themselves with the male porn actors, who can sustain Viagra-fortified erections for long periods, the guys I talk to often admit to feeling like sexual losers, and worry something is wrong with them.’

The issue for me here is less to do with the use of porn and the images it makes use of, and more to do with men confusing fantasy and reality. For years women have been accused of having unrealistic expectations of men, resulting from a steady diet of Walt Disney, Bridget Jones's Diary and Sex and the City, because no relationship will ever possibly live up to the ones of our imagination. Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and nor does Mr Darcy. Certainly the revolving door of available, successful and good-looking Sex and the City men aren’t there for the taking. Perhaps it’s time men were given the same bitter pill we've had to swallow for years, that what they are watching isn’t real.

And as for men feeling inadequate compared with their male porn-star counterparts, do they not realise women have the same issue, having to live up to the standards set by Angelina, Jenna Jameson and Felicia Fox? We can’t all be man-eating stunners who represent charities by day and act as bisexual BDSM fetishists by night. I’m not saying that makes it okay, it’s just something we all have to deal with in a consumer society.

At its heart this article seems to imply that men are having difficulty doing what women have always had to do: use their imaginations.

‘Many of the men I talk to believe that porn sex is what women want, and they become upset and angry when their sex partner, perhaps their wife, girlfriend, or a one night hook-up, refuses to look or behave like their favourite porn star. The women often refuse to perform the sex acts the men have routinely enjoyed watching, and next to the screaming orgasms and sexual gymnastics of porn sex, real sex with real women starts to feel boring and bland.’

I won’t talk here about the questions the article raises on the content of hardcore porn – I’ll save that for another story (watch this space), but I will argue that the difference here for men and women is that women have had to make do with very little hardcore stimulation for a very long time. Mills and Boon, the pages of our favourite novels that fall open at the mention of a lifted skirt and heaving bosom, or a movie scene where the heroine is pressed up against the wall in a passionate embrace by her robust anti hero (this may be part of the reason for women’s reportedly low libidos -- again, I’ll leave that for another story), but this has in some ways kept our ‘boudoir’ imaginations relatively active. We have to continually fill in the blanks.

Male-oriented pornography on the other hand leaves very little to the imagination (though I would argue it takes a ‘special’ kind of imagination to believe she really wants you to shove that enormous dildo up her ass and then lick it). Men become desensitised, but they also become lazy. When the images are presented to you, when you are slapped in the face with them, you don’t have to do the work.

This is possibly the real tragedy.  Like tobacco or caffeine or any other stimulant, it is to the advantage of the supplier to build user-dependence. A dysfunctional sex-life is a by-product but also a market-force, turning users into repeat users, and ensuring a constant market for more and more extreme stimulation.

Men and women are the losers here.

--RP