Whose threesome is it anyway?

Rhonda Perky goes under the covers to discover if three can ever be less than a crowd

Ever had one of those drunken hook-ups that somehow end up with three of you in a bed? Or maybe you've arranged to meet with two singles or a couple to have a bit of fun? Only when the heat dies down (and you begin to sober up) you’re left in a crowded bed feeling completely cold?

Take the following examples:

Scenario A: Susie and Lara have been dating for a while. While drinking a little too much at a party, they end up in bed with John. The three of them enjoy a very steamy night and then fall asleep in the same bed. When Susie wakes up she realises John has ended up between her and Lara. She’s not sure, but thinks the two of them might have been getting it on while she was asleep. In any case, they are now spooning. All she can see is this man, an intruder, being intimate with her lover. She starts to feel sick. What if Lara decides she prefers being with John?

Scenario B: Grace and Mick, a long-term couple seeking a new experience, decide to advertise online for a man to join them. They recruit Robert, a single guy keen to explore. During the encounter it becomes apparent that Mick is attracted to the new recruit. In the heat of the moment, the guys get it on, until Robert tells them both he’s fairly sure he’s straight. The problem is Mick thinks he might actually prefer men.

Scenario C: Jodie has been seeing Steve for a few months, but they aren’t exclusive. Jodie has expressed an interest in having someone join them. Steve finds Cindy, a girl who is similarly keen. Steve arranges the meet up. Part way through the encounter it becomes apparent that Steve and Cindy already know each other. In fact, Cindy knows Steve a lot better than Jodie does. Jodie feels a little jealous, and a lot insecure. After all, Cindy is, well, kind of smoking. Things could be about to get a whole heap of ugly.

The point is, fantasy and reality can be very different things. Does anyone really know what they are going to feel going into something like this? Each person comes to the party with certain expectations, some known and some not, until it’s happening there in front of them. Suddenly you find yourself watching and participating in something you don’t normally see: your lover making love to someone else. It is likely you will see them doing something new with someone else and will respond to that person in a way they don’t respond to you. What if he/she has something you don’t? What if he/she does something better than you, or differently? What if he/she does something to him/her that they’ve NEVER done to you? What if you can't cum and she can cum like crazy, and who gets his cum in the end?

Being prepared, being aware, and stepping into the realm of fantasy – accepting that it IS fantasy, becomes a necessity if you are going to come out the other end unscathed.

Some things worth considering before you get busy with getting busy:

• How much interplay should there be between each of you?
• Where the threesome involves people of the same gender, how much homo-erotic interplay should there be?
• What is it going to feel like if you’re left on the outer?
• What is it going to feel like if you’re not?
• Do the others involved know each other already, and if yes, how intimately? Are they dating, or a couple?
• If you are dating or in a couple and have invited someone to join you, how will you feel if they get more attention than you? 
• If two of you are involved with the same person, how are you going to feel if they are more intimate with each other than with you?
• How are you going to feel around each person afterwards?

Perhaps the catch-all question to ask is whose threesome is it? Where are the boundaries, and who sets them? In some ways having a Dom/Sub situation can help, because the Dom(s) will set the rules and boundaries for the Sub(s). A lot of the time this won’t be the case. So how can you make sure your encounter remains as hot in your memory as it was in the moment? You want to be sure you know what the deal is in advance and also feel secure in yourself and in your relationship(s) before setting foot anywhere near this type of activity.

As in all things the most important part is communication. No matter how drunk or stoned or lost in the moment you are, try to check in with all parties. Keep an eye out for changes in body language. Has someone gone quiet, or stopped participating? Be mindful and respectful of each other’s existing relationships. If a couple has been generous enough to invite you into their private domain, keep to their boundaries. Take your cues from them (and perhaps more importantly in a hetero/bi-situation, from the person of the same gender; you don’t want to be a perceived threat). In a sense, you are their guest. Similarly, if you are in an existing couple and have invited someone to join you, be a gracious host and make them feel welcome.

If the encounter involves a sleepover, for instance, ask where you should sleep. If the others are having a private moment, give them that and wait to be invited back in. If you’ve initiated the encounter, make sure the third party feels welcome, and keep your jealousies in check.

To my mind, if you can each walk away thinking, “We all owned that,” your threesome has been a spectacular success.

--RP

Perky Commandments

1. Thou shalt not stalk
2. Thou shalt live thine own life
3. Thou shalt let thy partner live his/her own life
4. Thou shalt keep thine crazy to thyself
5. Thou shalt be responsible for thine own happiness
6. Thou shalt not dump all thy mental baggage onto thy Significant Other but also have a friend network
7. Thou shalt bone safely 
8. Thou shalt not bone thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbour’s without  honesty, hygiene and respect
9. Thou shalt permit thy lover his/her freedom
10. Honour thy lover: that thy days in his/her bed may be awesome and plentiful

'No Strings...?’ Well, maybe a few...

Rhonda Perky goes under the f*ck-buddy covers to discover a particularly stringy line

Don’t let anyone who has a f*ck-buddy (FB) tell you they are not in a relationship. They are. It’s not an exclusive/monogamous relationship, nor is it an open* or poly-amorous** one. It is what it is, and that is how you and your FB define it.

In this sense it can be more complicated than a primary relationship, because the rules are idiosyncratic to you and your FB. Some people consider anyone on their drunken-dial sex list an FB; for others an FB relationship is an ongoing, regular by-arrangement affair or something that has evolved over time and exists by the absence of attributes that would define it as a primary relationship.

Some attributes you can expect across most FB relationships include that it is finite, it has mutual boundaries, and most importantly, that you are not each other’s primary partner. You may not have another primary partner, and you may or may not be looking for one, but the FB isn’t it.

Establishing the rules
The rules that you define (and redefine) should be consensual. You can be there for sex, for affection, for companionship, or to help one another prepare for the next relationship of whatever kind, provided it is within the rules you and your FB have defined. This means treating one another with respect. You are not your FB’s dumping ground and they are not yours. Scratch their itch, but make sure yours is scratched, too. FBs also need to know at any point how much ‘friend’, how much ‘partner’, and how much ‘lover’ they can expect to give and to receive, and this can change over time, which means communicating your boundaries. And because an FB arrangement is a relationship like any other, the one rule that is not negotiable is, if you stop respecting yourself in the situation, or don’t feel respected, move on.

Communication: the meat and three-veg of any relationship
What happens when you have a different idea to your FB on where your boundaries lie? If one of your FB relationship rules is that your encounters should remain uncomplicated and fun (and neither of you finds negotiating boundaries particularly easy), things can quickly become complicated and not much fun at all. Similarly when you run into ordinary relationship problems, how much effort do you put into resolving them? Do you refer to the set of behaviours and rules you would apply to a friendship or those you would use with a primary partner? Many problems can be worked through, but the contentious word here is ‘work’. Like any relationship, you both have to be prepared to put in the effort, which can be counter to the rules you have established. A fairly minor issue can easily lead to one partner walking away leaving the other wondering what went wrong.

For and against
There are many articles out there that warn of the dangers inherent in FB relationships. Lissa Christopher argues, ‘Don’t do it’, in her article, ‘Stretching the friendship’, (The Age, 14 February 2011), while Rabbit White shares her experience of falling in love with her FB in, ‘A Meditation on the Fuck Buddy; Or My Fuck Buddy’:

'It was love… or something like it. In the sex, I opened myself up, and without communication, boundaries became gray, my heart unguarded. And this is where I’d get stuck.’

On the other side of the fence you will find relationship therapists like Harville Hendrix, who advocate using the time you are not in a primary relationship to practice changing your relationship modes and behaviours. Hendrix argues that you can explore your relationship short-comings more effectively when you are dating but not in love, because in this situation you are less fearful of loss and therefore more secure trying out new behaviours that may at first feel uncomfortable. An established FB relationship provides this type of opportunity in a way ordinary dating might not.

All good things come to an end
Because it is a finite relationship, there will inevitably be a time when one of you stops calling, stops responding, or when you or your FB comes out and says, ‘I can’t see you anymore.’ It may be because you have found someone who you want to be a primary partner, or because you feel your needs no longer coincide. Hurt, rejection, grief, are all natural when you lose someone from your life, even if you are not in love with them. But because it’s not a primary relationship, you may find yourself without the support from your friends, your family, and the understanding of your FB that you would otherwise expect.

To FB or not to FB?
I have gone from primary relationship to primary relationship. In those relationships I haven’t been good at maintaining boundaries, nor recognising my needs for what they are: sex, affection, companionship, even exploration. At first glance an FB relationship seems like a good way to learn my own boundaries, to practice new relationship modes, while avoiding many a lonely night under the covers. It might also stop me throwing myself into the first relationship that presents, simply because I have needs I want met that can’t be filled by an endless string of one-night-stands. I also know that establishing a functional, ongoing FB relationship isn’t easy, that I will be forced to set and adhere to boundaries, and to have the difficult conversations I normally try to avoid, and where I am right now, as long as I follow the one non-negotiable relationship rule, that can only be a good thing.

--RP

*an open relationship suggests that each is the other’s primary partner it’s just that they are not exclusive.
**poly-amorous implies that each person in the relationship can have multiple primary partners.

The Rules of the Game

This is actually the first piece I wrote for Rhonda Perky's Bits, but held off publishing for obvious reasons. It came to mind just now given I am re-entering the Game, hopefully this time, better equipped!

Happy reading.
--AG

 

Someone else's slippers

Adventure Girl learns a lesson in friendship

‘Does this mean I’m dumped?’

In relationships, there are commonly accepted ‘rules’. There are statuses like ‘single’, ‘in a relationship’ or ‘f-buddies’. You form a ‘relationship’, you break up, and sometimes you make up. You have ‘the talk’, assign the appropriate label from the drop-down menu, and alert the rest of your social network via Facebook. All of this is clearly defined. We even have laws and ceremonies dedicated to officially sealing two people together.

Friendships aren’t so clear cut. The boundaries from ‘acquaintance’ to ‘colleague’ to ‘friend’ to ‘BFF’ are more subtle. They are also more fluid.

Friends can step into your life suddenly and intensely, or they can shift gradually into focus and back out again. A friendship can become strained, or a shared experience lost, causing distance to stretch between you.

Where a friendship does come apart, there is rarely a single event you can point to as the end. You don’t ‘break up’ with a friend; you just stop calling, but this can mean you both drift away, assuming a slight on the part of the other, when they are thinking the same as you. Leave it too long and the silence stretches into awkwardness and you may never know if they felt wronged or just got busy.

And if your friends are friends with each other (you may recall my post on mixing friends from a few months ago), there’s a whole extra layer of grey to worry about. There are issues of confidences, sensitivities when discussing one friend with another, entire areas of taboo which can place a strain on that friendship, too.

Post-rift, it gets more complicated. Social gatherings can become awkward when there is an issue left unresolved, especially when there is no rigid boundary or expectation that you will take sides, as you sometimes divvy up friends when a relationship dies.

With so much murkiness, it can be difficult to know what is reasonable to expect from the other person, and what they can reasonably expect from you.

There are rules, but we don’t speak of them. There are expectations, but we don’t acknowledge them, except as we navigate their fragile borders… oops, she got pissed off, I won’t do that again. And sometimes by then it's already too late.

Forgiveness is important, but for me it’s one of those paradoxes. The more you care, the more you are prepared to let things slide, but something can hurt more because you care so much. And then you get the flip side, where you let things go because you don’t care enough, or you forgive less because it's not worth the effort when you can simply walk away.

In the absence of defined rules, it can be more difficult to acknowledge jealousies and rivalries, slights and injuries. You suck it up and you move on, together or apart. You withdraw, or you extend, but it is all unspoken, at least between the two of you.

Most of the time when a friendship does end, it’s like an old jumper pulled out of shape, or worse, a borrowed jumper, stretched until it fits neither of you. You accept your time has come and gone, the season has past, you slip it into an unused drawer.

And when that happens I mourn its loss. Others come along and fill their place, but it’s never quite the same shape, like wearing someone else’s slippers. A lesson learned too late, or sometimes not learned at all.

-AG