10 Things I've learned about blogging

Adventure Girl learns a lesson in putting it on show

I've been writing for Rhonda Perky's Bits for just over a year now, and it seemed as good a time as any to take stock of some blogging lessons I've had to learn the hard way.

1. People always think you're blogging about them. I discovered this first when I wrote a post about friendship. In a later conversation I learned that several of my friends believed the post was aimed at them. It wasn't.
2. People you are blogging about, never think it's about them. Yes, I mean you. No, not you. You. In the previous scenario, the friends the post was actually about, never made the connection.
3. At some point you will offend SOMEBODY. Okay EVERYBODY. This is pretty much to be expected as a writer. Just ask Helen Garner.
4. When you do offend, it won’t be over what you expect. Something which was written as a throwaway line (which we've already established is probably not about THEM) can cost you a friend, or at least earn you a cold shoulder or three. People have sensitivities you simply don't know about until you inadvertently stick them with the blogging equivalent of a giant needle.
5. People you know will read what you write. I know this sounds obvious, but when you're tapping away, expunging your deepest and darkest emotions, you can forget that your audience also includes THEM. It can be flattering, but also a little weird, when you can tell just by the way a person looks at you that THEY HAVE READ AND THEY KNOW.*
6. Other people you know will not read what you write and it’s not the people you expect. I remember writing a post, thinking, 'OMG my friend is going to LOVE this,' only to discover she never actually read it.
7. The line between TMI (Too Much Information) and NEI (Not Enough Information) is different for everyone. It is impossible to avoid tripping over the line at some point, for somebody, simply because the line is vastly inconsistent between individuals (see 3 and 4 above).
8. What seems clear to you is not always apparent to your audience. They are not inside your head, and what is inside your head doesn't always make it in entirety onto the page. Example: I wrote a blog post on being abused by my last boyfriend. When a friend indicated they had read the post, I felt I could talk a little more freely about what had happened. The response was, 'Wait -- he HIT you?' 'Yes, he hit me. More than once. Didn't my blog say that?' Apparently not clearly enough.
9. Only blog when you have something to say. Sometimes you are more prolific than others. In the down periods you may feel pressure to post while your ideas are still half-formed or virtually non-existent. You must resist; your readers will wait. Otherwise you will end up with a page of half curdled mush that nobody wants to read, and for which you wish you'd never hit 'Publish Post'.
10. Write something true to yourself. Write from what resonates, what keeps you up and night, and what you want to shout across the ether-sphere. You might be surprised who will end up reading and responding from halfway across the world. (Yes, I mean you).

*This applies equally to tweeting.

--AG

Someone else's slippers

Adventure Girl learns a lesson in friendship

‘Does this mean I’m dumped?’

In relationships, there are commonly accepted ‘rules’. There are statuses like ‘single’, ‘in a relationship’ or ‘f-buddies’. You form a ‘relationship’, you break up, and sometimes you make up. You have ‘the talk’, assign the appropriate label from the drop-down menu, and alert the rest of your social network via Facebook. All of this is clearly defined. We even have laws and ceremonies dedicated to officially sealing two people together.

Friendships aren’t so clear cut. The boundaries from ‘acquaintance’ to ‘colleague’ to ‘friend’ to ‘BFF’ are more subtle. They are also more fluid.

Friends can step into your life suddenly and intensely, or they can shift gradually into focus and back out again. A friendship can become strained, or a shared experience lost, causing distance to stretch between you.

Where a friendship does come apart, there is rarely a single event you can point to as the end. You don’t ‘break up’ with a friend; you just stop calling, but this can mean you both drift away, assuming a slight on the part of the other, when they are thinking the same as you. Leave it too long and the silence stretches into awkwardness and you may never know if they felt wronged or just got busy.

And if your friends are friends with each other (you may recall my post on mixing friends from a few months ago), there’s a whole extra layer of grey to worry about. There are issues of confidences, sensitivities when discussing one friend with another, entire areas of taboo which can place a strain on that friendship, too.

Post-rift, it gets more complicated. Social gatherings can become awkward when there is an issue left unresolved, especially when there is no rigid boundary or expectation that you will take sides, as you sometimes divvy up friends when a relationship dies.

With so much murkiness, it can be difficult to know what is reasonable to expect from the other person, and what they can reasonably expect from you.

There are rules, but we don’t speak of them. There are expectations, but we don’t acknowledge them, except as we navigate their fragile borders… oops, she got pissed off, I won’t do that again. And sometimes by then it's already too late.

Forgiveness is important, but for me it’s one of those paradoxes. The more you care, the more you are prepared to let things slide, but something can hurt more because you care so much. And then you get the flip side, where you let things go because you don’t care enough, or you forgive less because it's not worth the effort when you can simply walk away.

In the absence of defined rules, it can be more difficult to acknowledge jealousies and rivalries, slights and injuries. You suck it up and you move on, together or apart. You withdraw, or you extend, but it is all unspoken, at least between the two of you.

Most of the time when a friendship does end, it’s like an old jumper pulled out of shape, or worse, a borrowed jumper, stretched until it fits neither of you. You accept your time has come and gone, the season has past, you slip it into an unused drawer.

And when that happens I mourn its loss. Others come along and fill their place, but it’s never quite the same shape, like wearing someone else’s slippers. A lesson learned too late, or sometimes not learned at all.

-AG

'Six months in a leaky boat'

Adventure Girl learns how to swim

So you’re in this relationship, and it’s had a bit of a rocky start, travelled some rough seas, but finally you’ve reached calmer waters, and you can see land up ahead.

In real terms, this is the point where you know you love them, and they love you back. They say it and they show it and you feel it. You’re floating, and it’s thrilling, and it’s peaceful. Then BAM.

The storm.

Out of nowhere you’re throwing a 15-year-old tantrum, all the while aching for them to hold you, to reassure you, to carry you to shore.

Of course they don’t. You’re behaving like a child.

It gets worse. You panic. You’re grasping. You don’t just want to be rescued; you’re drowning and feel like you can’t get to the shore without them.

But they pull away. If you’re lucky they offer you a life-raft, but most times they’re reaching for one for themselves.

‘See?’ you tell yourself. They don’t love you, not really.

The storm might come in the form of that nagging thing they once told you that still doesn’t quite add up, or yet another text message from the Ghost of Shaggers’ Past. You ask AGAIN for an explanation, you want to know AGAIN why she is texting him. Not, as he supposes, to find the worst in him, to prove that he’s lying, cheating, but to be reassured that he’s not.

It’s a test not of him, but of his love for you. You’re looking for cracks and testing if the boat is watertight.

Because can he really love you? I mean, REALLY? Love YOU? Doesn’t he know who you are underneath it all? Won’t he run screaming when he finally discovers the truth, when he finally sees who YOU are?

So you push and you squeeze and you test, but it’s not about not trusting him, it’s about not believing in you.

If you think of the relationship as like being on a leaky boat, you see yourself running around trying to plug and test every last hole. But when you test the holes, you put more pressure on them, and most times make them bigger. Do it too often and chances are there will be so many holes the ship will sink.

The other part of you, the secret part, doesn’t just test the holes that are already there. This part wants to be sure that the boat can withstand an attack. This part steers the ship into the storm instead of away from it, to see if you can weather it, and punches new holes to see if together you can plug them up and keep afloat. Eventually, if you punch enough holes, or steer into enough storms, you’ll both be grasping for life rafts.

Deep down, you know where the fear comes from, a history of sunken boats as long as the Shipwreck Coast. Too many people have been in love with you, but not loved you. Because they didn’t know you, didn’t see you. They saw an idea of you. You felt like a fraud and it never worked out. Because the more they tried to love you, the more you were convinced that they didn’t. Or rather, couldn’t. Because they never saw who you really were. Never saw the rocks beneath the surface until you rammed your boat into them.

But now you’ve found someone different. Someone who sees, who knows. Who has seen your flaws, and still loves, just as you have seen his. He can even tease you about them and make you laugh at yourself. This time you want it to be different. You want to BE different.

You’ve learned your lesson.

Instead of trying to plug and test every possible gap, instead of punching new holes, you will try to accept that nothing is watertight, that the ship can have a few cracks in it, and still stay afloat.

Because even if you do manage to seal the boat completely, there’s no guarantee it won’t one day break down. The motor could simply run out of steam.

And if it does? You might be battered by the sea and swallow water until you choke, but you will make it onto shore. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. And again. And again. You have a life raft, and a vest, and you know how to swim.

-AG

'Happily Ever... Before and After'

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When 'bitch' just doesn't cut it...

A lesson in online insults with Adventure Girl

I used to think I could hurl insults with the best of them. A bunch of 14 year olds proved me wrong...

CW: don't worry my heart was already Brocken :)
TV: good for you :L
T2 : You misspelt broken.
CW: Haha - I did too !! :P
CW: TV what's that supposed to mean?
TV: shutup? wait are you the one who was being a hoe to TK? :@
CW: Haha scum : and if by being hoe yu mean apologizing for what was a missunderstanding than yes :) now go stick ur big nose in someone elses convo annoyance :) bye.
TV: fuck you bitch ;)
CW: Oh haha I just realized there was a reason ur covering ur face in ur dp ><>TV: shut up slut.
CW: Omg go away ur sooo annoying! Something with u corinda perople or whatever you are. Go back to ur hole leave me alone.
JD: hey um "TV" guess it takes a slut to know a slut, whore.
CW: Luvyu JD :)
JD: im a good friend eh?
CW: U can just detect when a slut thinks they know it all. :P haha she's ugly too so dnt even think about letting her into the whore bizz aye
JD: no way, no room fo uglies in the um "services" industry
TV: uhhh pre sure your the ugly one, muttdogg, and its capalaba cunt. man your a shit faced slut, fuck off yeh?
CW: Lol nice try T1 but no one cares :) I mean ooh ouch that hurt Ima go dig a hole and die now :(
JD: ya, had a look at your dp, girl you gotta lay off the chips
TV: lol so your saying im fat :L
JD: yup, tubby
CW: Nah that's just the grease in her hair making an optical illusion... She's just ugly. Pure uglyness :(
DF: HOLY SHIT, WHO LET THAT DOG IN THIS POST :O. oh my bad, its just TV
JD: the dog thats been eating too many chips..
CW: Haha yeah u can tell she's been hangin round that ugly TK chik. Huh :s eughhh
DF: im such a jim in hehehe
JD: s'ok i did it too
TV: yous are all bull fucking shit. TK is amazing.. what the hell, how the fuck can you say shes ugly. thats so dog CW, your a fucking dogin slut. fucking shut up your embarrising. gay fag to that DF and JD kid, grow up and stop being so immatuer ! TK is amazing, your ugly, got it ? not stop !!
DF: wow TV, way to have ur period all over this post :/
CW: haha its funny, cuz they both ugly :) Its ok hun, TK still loves u. go away?

Note to self: better start practicing...

-AG