Soul-Sucking Demons

Mad Julie exorcises her right to a demon-free workplace

So what do you do if you are stuck working with soul-sucking demons?

Well let me tell you my little tale of what I have tried, tested, and scratched out… before finally happening upon a very sophisticated means of revenge…

1. Drink Lots!!!!

Problem – numbness only lasts for 3-6 months and there are sober periods… hmmm….

2. Eat lots of Chocolate and Comfort Food for Emotional Recovery!!!

Problem – ummm 5 plus kilos later… hmmm….

3. Shopping Therapy?

Problem – the pay cheque doesn’t last as long as it used to… and then can't afford as much booze… hmmm...

4. Exercise out the demon toxins

Problem – hard to outrun them when stuck in a meeting… hmmm…

5. Hide!!!

Problem – they HUNT you down and CALL you… Hmmm…

6. Look for a new team to join?

Problem – you find MORE soul-sucking demons and the old ones STILL HUNT you down!!! HORROR!!!!

7. Take Sickies?

Problem – they ARE STILL THERE when you return!!!

8. Take a positive approach and try to get to know them better?

Problem – you discover these demons come from the LOWER LEVELS of HELL… hmmm… what now?

And nope, am already spacing out the drinking, chocolate, shopping, sickies, hiding and occasional bits of other toxins… and I refuse to join the demon ranks!!!!

9. Have a life? Hmmm… but what type?

You interact more with the nicer demons and discover they had angelic mothers;

...you smile and laugh lots and the soul-sucking demons become uglier with their jealousy to all (you are now not alone);

...you now look like a catwalk queen with all the exercise and shopping, while they favour bag-lady-esque fashion (YEAH);

...and you are fairly popular going to all the latest shows, movies and bars around town…  the laughter is your ammunition… (UH HUH!!!)

...meanwhile… the soul-sucking demons are withering in their bitterness and becoming fat and dumpy with new wrinkles and white hairs appearing by the hour… AND they are LOSING their hold… slowly their suckers are dying… and so is their poison…

10. SOLUTION – REPEAT POINT 9 TIL THEIR ASHES HAVE BEEN CAST…

When at the office party, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, vomit on the boss's shoes

A lesson in office party etiquette with Adventure Girl

If one Friday night you find yourself trapped in a room with free alcohol, some dodgy dance music and three quarters of your workmates, under no circumstances should you:

• let anyone over 35 or under 25 commandeer the jukebox
• dance around one or more poles
• hit on the boss
• hit on the boss's partner
• hit on anyone
• respond to anyone hitting on you
• drink without eating a proportionate amount of food
• drink while tired
• drink beyond 'happy'
• mouth off about your boss, your boss's partner, or any co-workers
• take bets on who will end up in the most inappropriate or unlikely pash
• offer to take a hit to win said bet
• take said hit
• position yourself anywhere near the designated party photographer
• position yourself anywhere near a camera
• call or text your partner (who is not at said party)
• 'kick on' afterwards
• venture into a quiet corner with anyone as sloshed as you
• find yourself in a position which might result in a walk-of-shame
• do a walk-of-shame

In fact if you want to hold your head up and meet everyone's eyes on Monday morning, the best thing you can do is eat, have one or two drinks, circulate with a quiet smile, then take that cab voucher straight to Boganburbia - do not pass go, do not collect $200.

-AG